I felt like a child

My Dad originally comes from Somerset and nearly all of his side of the Family still live there. None of them had seen me since my amputation until this time last week when my Aunt and Uncle (Dads Brother) came to stay for a couple of days, with their little Cocker Spaniel, Misty. Even though we have a reasonably large family I feel almost like I have none. When I was young I used to love going down to Somerset and staying with Family and when we used to see my Aunt, Uncle (Mums Brother) and cousins round Nan and Granddads on a Friday evening, when we lived in Essex. It’s vary rare that I see them anymore so I look forward to it when I do.

They arrived on Thursday and the first meal we had was lunch, a nice help yourself salad, cold meat and other bite size goodies. I had to put the wheelchair right side on to the table, to give me reach, as I couldn’t lean forward. I also had to ask for loads of stuff to be passed down, as I couldn’t reach it. When I’d finished loading the plate I manoeuvred the chair face on to table, put the tray on my lap and started tucking in. For some reason it felt like I was shrinking in the chair, the chair was becoming large as was the tray and I felt like a child sitting in a highchair at the end of the table. I can’t for one minute tell you why or why I felt like that at that time. I even found myself explaining why I had to use the tray and that I could usually eat normally at the table. They wouldn’t have needed or wanted that explanation and probably thought nothing of the why I had to use a tray to eat my lunch.

After lunch they all went out to take the dogs for a nice walk. Obviously I was really gutted that I couldn’t go, but I was happy for them that they could all get out for a nice, if exceptionally cold, walk. While they were out I went in my lounge, fired up the Xbox and continued with the 4th Assassin’s Creed game in the series. I normally play the on the Xbox and think nothing of it and yet this time it was different. I was thinking that I am a 40 year old female playing on an Xbox and that in some way I was a big kid for playing it, or more to the point I felt like a child again, why? There is nothing wrong with that, its maybe not what most 40-year-old females would be doing but then most of them are married with a family. In some ways that was a small ‘light bulb’ moment of my thinking.

When I was young, again unconventionally, I wasn’t thinking about growing up, getting married and starting a family. I was thinking of moving out, being independent and having a career. I always wanted to go in the Armed Forces, mainly the RAF (Royal Air Force) to follow in my Dad and Granddads footsteps or the Army to follow in my other Granddads footsteps. My knee problems started when I was young and my life has mainly revolved around them. I hated school, as I’m not academic in any way but more of a hands on practical person. I got jobs, bought my first car, bought my first house and moved forwards like we all do, apart from the marriage family bit of it all. Then with my knees deteriorating, relying more on my Mum and Dad again we both sold our homes and bought this big Bungalow together. We have our own space and come together for meals or when we want too. I suppose my life kind of peaked and has now gone backwards really, I’m living back with my parents, own only a third of a property, have no job and don’t even have my own car, as it’s through the Motability Scheme. I have no really Family contact as they all have their own lives and family and it just feels like life has gone backwards to being a kid again. I think that a long-term illness or condition can have that affect on you, you go from building a life and having everything to loosing most of it and having very little. I’m sure if I’d had my own family then it would probably be and feel different but as I’m on my own, for me this is how it feels. I know that much of these thoughts have come from being on so much medication and feeling a bit low right now, it puts a more negative spin and outlook on my life. I know that it can and hopefully will change, I hope to get back on my feet or wheelchair and build my life back up again. It may or may not turn out to be conventional but I intend to be happy with it whatever shape it eventually takes.

Like A child

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