Two different lots of pain

We were going to visit Nan today, which I have to admit I was dreading, not because on seeing Nan but because of how I was feeling. Those who read my last blog post ‘A sad trip’ will know that on Wednesday night I had run out of my OxyContin and had to wait till the following morning to get them from the Pharmacy. It is the strongest pill I take but didn’t think that missing the one would be a problem, oh how wrong was I? At 05:00 Thursday morning I woke up to a feeling I’ve had before, when I came of my medication too fast last time, but not as severe as this. It’s going to be really hard to explain what was happening but I’ll do my best.

There was a nerve and muscle sensation going on mainly in my arms and legs, it was an involuntary need to move them, mixed with a feeling of the nerves making them jump and twitch. At times I even turned over onto my stomach and lay on my arms to try and stop the feelings and them from moving. This only helped for a few moments and then they went back to how they were before. It was a horrible sensation but there was another reaction going on that made it even worse. My body seemed to have another involuntary method of combating these sensations by stretching, the full blown first thing in the morning big body stretch. The problem with this, as with all the other feelings, it was intense and severe, during every stretch I felt the tissue of the stump slide over the bone and back again as I relaxed. I found that I was doing this frequently and my body was tightening my muscles as tight as they would go, relieving the feelings for a few minutes before all the jumping and sensations came back again. I felt cold yet was sweating and this went on till 08:00 when it was time for my medication. Now had I had some brain cells about me I should have thought about taking some OxyNorm. As I’ve been slowly reducing the amount of that I’m taking I was well within my limit to have taken some, sadly the brain cells weren’t there and I didn’t take any. This didn’t dawn on me until I was taking my morning medication when I thought about it and waited to see if having the OxyNorm made a difference. It did, within 15-20 minutes the symptoms seemed to stop and I actually dropped of to sleep for a couple of hours. Mum and Dad had been to the Pharmacy and picked up the OxyContin, which I had when they got back. I didn’t escape this episode unscathed though and every single muscle in my body ached, from my neck down to my shins and everywhere in between, it was pretty painful.

Yesterday was a bit easier after a reasonable nights sleep but I wasn’t looking forward to the trip to Essex in the car. At around 01:00 this morning my uncle phoned to say that the Hospital had been in touch and my Nan didn’t have much time left. My Mum came in a while after and said about going down there, me and Dad basically said the same thing, we would never have got there in time and what could we do when we were there. We all went back to bed but I was still awake till gone 04:00. I didn’t know for definite if she had passed away till I got up this morning, as there was no other phone call from my Uncle, Mum phoned him early this morning for more information. When my Uncle and Pat (his partner) got to the Hospital she had already passed away, to be honest I think she had probably passed on before the hospital called them. When they visited Nan yesterday evening she had been given Temazepam, she would have been out of it and if they had got to her before she passed away then she probably wouldn’t have even known they were there. It is a shame no one was with her but at least she would have been pain free and at peace. Mum and me shed a few tears this morning and as painful as it is it is better for Nan to be free from her failing body.

I’m still feeling the effects of missing that one pill, its hard to believe just how much medication screws with your body and that just a small change in quantity can have such a dramatic effect. I can’t stand being on medication, making you low, tired, tearful, spaced, can’t drive, etc. etc. It may help with the pain but makes you so useless with it, I can’t wait to be off of it all.

Not my words but so fitting I had to use these two verses

What she suffered she told so few,
She didn’t deserve what she went through,
Tired and weary she made no fuss,
But tried so hard to stay with us.

Free from pain,
Now you’re up above,
Feelings of sadness
And feelings of love.

Rest In Peace Nan xxxxx



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