A difficult trip

The last time Mum and Dad went to visit Nan I didn’t go with them. We’d decided that we would visit her Saturday and said I would go with them this time. I‘ve been sitting in the front when travelling as there is more legroom and easier to get in and out, but I wanted to sit in the back with Cody (my Labrador). This time I clambered in the back with the boy to see how it was on the trip down. We had a good journey down traffic wise and although it was more uncomfortable in the back I enjoyed the time with Cody. We arrived at my Uncles and because my cousin follows the blog I was asked if I needed another chair to support my stump. I was fine last time as I was this time so there was no need for the extra chair. I text my cousin to thank her for continuing to follow the blog, her support and for thinking of me. There was a spot of ball throwing for Cody, chatting and a nice Chinese meal to be had before we set of for the hospital. I knew that Nan had deteriorated and was told by my Mum not to expect too much as she was having trouble breathing and talking

Being a Saturday we managed to get a disabled parking spot not far from the entrance, which was good as it was raining slightly. Nan was in the same ward but a different bay from when I saw her last time. We were told she was in bed 12 so when we got there we went straight for the bed but she wasn’t in the bed or even the bay. We went to the desk and the lady there said Nan was in Bay 2 Bed 12, we said we’d just been in there and she wasn’t there. Not believing us she took us back down there and then agreed that she wasn’t in the bay anymore. She asked another Nurse and she said she was moved to Bay 1 that morning. We went to bay one and sure enough Nan was there. She looked much worse than when I saw here before, so frail. The Healthcare Assistant told Nan we were there, I think she knew and I was struggling to keep myself composed. She was asleep a lot of the time and when she was awake could barely open her eyes. If I asked a question she could only just muster a nod or shake of her head. I have tiny hands, the size of about an 11 year olds, my Nan’s are the same size as mine. With my teeny tiny hand holding her freezing teeny tiny hand, while watching and listening to her struggling to breath, I hoped she knew it was me and how much I cared. Numerous times me and Mum were fighting the tears, loosing the fight and having to recompose ourselves. Many times in the past she seems to have been at deaths door (i.e. the mini stroke she had with us at Christmas) and then recovered really well. This time is different and she is so weak, can’t speak or swallow, she hasn’t eaten for about 4 days now and they haven’t even got her on a drip anymore. When it was time to go and we were saying good-bye she was desperately trying to talk to us but nothing was coming out, it was heart-breaking. I kissed her and told her I loved which I hope she heard and could understand. I will probably never forget the image of her struggle to talk to us as we left, and we will probably never know what she was trying to say.

We went back to my Uncles to collect Cody and I sat in the back again on the way home. I had a backache and some stump pain where I was sitting bent over while I was with Nan. I found that from about half way home I had to move my foot most of the time as it was becoming numb. The traffic home was good and I have to admit glad to get back. It was probably slightly more painful trip than last time physically, emotionally it was by far the most painful.

Basildon Hospital 3

2 Responses to “A difficult trip”

  1. What a tough one watching someone you love struggling so much. Your description of the hospital visit was perfect, felt like I was there with you.

    Hopefully you will use your blog to keep us up to date with her health, wishing you all the best


    • Hi Steve

      Thank you very much for your comment. As you know all too well it can be hard to condense things into a blog post but still give enough information and feeling. I’m glad I got the balance right and but I really wish I wasn’t writing about it at all. As always thanks again for your support :)

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